Before I get into the antics of this weekend, I’ve added a new establishment to the places that I have beef with. Once you get on the beef list, you can’t get taken off, and I feel like the list is getting extensively long. Just to give a little background on some of the most famous places on the beef list:

1. Tompkins Square Bagels— both locations. People rave about this place, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. I get especially annoyed when I wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings and see people insta-storying a regular plain bagel doused in cream cheese with the Tompkins location tagged. Are we supposed to be impressed with your cream cheese nosh? I certainly am not. The food is bland, the people in there are cucks, and if you’re feeling dangerous– you can order a $16 dollar small tub of their doo-doo cream cheese. I find some interesting ways to spend money, but cream cheese idiocy is where I draw the line.
2. Tiger Mart, Route 3, Secaucus — How in the world did a gas station convenience store wind up on this list? Well, they consistently try to scam me. If you recall from a previous blog, these are the same people who conned me into buying the Nature Valley Bar and pawned it off as goodwill. Believe it or not, they’re back to their same old tricks, with a twist! I have to go in there every day to buy my BANG energy drink. It’s somehow the only place in town that sells BANG, so I’m all out of options. Every single day I go through the same interaction with the same guy. “Just this.” “If you buy one it’s $3.70 but if you buy two…. two for $6.” “No thanks.” Then we kind of stare at each other for a good five seconds before he scans it. Last week, he scanned it THREE times and just stared at me. Didn’t say anything, just stared. I finally had to break the ice. “$10 for one?” “One for $3.70.” “Well you scanned it three times.” Then he gives me attitude. The nerve.
3. Hudson Deli & Grocery – The newest members of the list. Welcome to the club. What can I say? They don’t even know their own damn inventory. It’s always a journey in this place. I ordered a buffalo chicken last week, and then went in the next day for the exact same thing. “We don’t serve that here.” “Well I just got it yesterday.” “uhhh no you didn’t.” I went back the next night and tried to order it again, and what do you know, they had it. In the course of 72 hours, they made it, took it off the menu, and then put it back on. They also told me they don’t have any oil and vinegar to put on sandwiches, but they sell bottled oil and vinegar in the store. This is a ploy to have me buy it myself… and I won’t fall for it.

Enough with the list, just had to get that off my chest. This weekend was the famous Lake George camping trip weekend. It’s a perfect weekend for a minimalist, survivalist like myself. One of the most impressive things I’ve ever done in life was backpack through Denali for four days with practically nothing. Oh wait…

The previous two years, I’ve been in a tent with Simmons, Walter, and fat-tax provocateur Andre. To ensure this specific set up would not happen again, I took the liberty of buying a new tent and going rogue. So who might my tent-mate be this year? That’s right. Two-time Early Winners champion and non-snorer– Sydney Ferrigan, CFA. An engagement party on Saturday nearly killed the trip for Syd but I promised to wake up early and boat her back to the marina the next morning. She agreed. I cherish my sleep– I cherish my time spent with CFAs more. There’s an old adage that says, “If something can go wrong, it will.” The alarm clock goes off at 7am, we pack up the gear, get in the boat and, DRUM ROLL PLEASE….

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The boat engine is dead. It might not have been the worst thing ever considering I don’t really know how to drive a boat, but guys, at some point, instincts just take over and you become a champion of the situation. I don’t know how to fly a plane but I’d put $100 on myself to have zero problems landing one if I needed to. Big Jeff, the maintenance guy from Snug Harbor (South) took his sweet ass time getting out to the island to save the day and we finally got her on her way about 90 minutes late. The rest of the day was spent boozing on a boat (that I was not driving for some reason), lighting off fireworks, debating how and why people get fat, and cooking burgers on the grill with chef master Bear Derrico. In classic fashion, Bear got Lightning Charged and passed out in front of the fire while Spreitzer and I made the rest of the crew listen to two straight hours of Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits. The night ended like it usually does on these trips. Spreitzer, Sarah and I drinking light beers in lawn chairs while the weak sleep. I can’t think of a better scenario than that. I woke up this morning at about 5am to a flock of howling crows outside my tent while they tore into the bag of cheese-its and toilet paper. I thought I was being attacked and in that moment of despair, I needed a tent-mate. But just as I am right now, alone, and caged like a dog.

I’m counting this as date #1.5 with the CFA and a discussion broke out in the car ride home about what date #2 should be. And now, I’m letting you, the fans, vote on it. Here are the preliminary ideas in no particular order:

1. I set up the tent on the roof of my apartment so we can finish the entirety of the trip
2. A tour bus around Manhattan where we sit on the roof of the bus drinking natures pheromone– Bud Light. Freedom Tower, Chrysler Building, Empire State Building… who knew??
3. Something that will really show off my alpha athletic ability– Mini Golfing. None of this Swingers BS. Only real ones will understand… Paramus Mini Golf.
4. Walkway on the hudson –> Brewery –> Drive-in theater. Yes Bear, we have done this together, and we had a beautiful day. You can never be replaced.
5. An escape room, but I’m the one that creates the room.

You guys can let me know your thoughts and the winning pick will be revealed on next weeks edition of Rocketlife. Brian is currently on a flight back home from a wedding, so that leaves me right where I started. On the couch, with a broken Netflix, writing this blog, and eating a sandwich from none of than… Hudson Deli & Grocery.

Early Winners

Bear Derrico – Longtime reader, first time winners section entrant. Drives boats, cooks food, shows us his ass. A mans man.

Tony Mauro – Wrote a song called “Missing You” and volunteers as a fire fighter. Alpha male? I’d say so.

Sydney Ferrigan, CFA – Didn’t lose her mind when the engine died, which is the complete opposite of what I would’ve done

Early Losers

Maintenance Man Jeff from Snug Harbor South Marina. WE COULD’VE STARVED, JEFF. Haul ass!!