I don’t think this is discussed nearly enough, but is there locker room etiquette at a gym? I don’t care one way or another, but you’ll see some guys still have their towel around their waist while putting on their briefs and then you have other guys who drop the towel and just stand there ass naked not doing anything. Literally just staring off into the abyss, dong out and all, not even attempting to put any clothes on. These are both ends of the extreme though. I’m probably somewhere in the middle. The towel is off, my cock is out, I’m not trying to hide it. I’m not showing it off, but I’m not hiding… I’m reaching for my clothes in an attempt to cover up. I think the weirdest part about the locker room, for me, is that I see way too many dudes from my high school in there. I never spoke to any of them because they’re all three years younger, but we all know exactly who each other are. So when I’m standing there naked next to a guy from Ridgewood, my only thought is something along the lines of, ‘hey look buster, I know we never spoke in high school, and we won’t be speaking now, but get a look at this hog.’

Anyway, enough of that claptrap. This weekend Banksy came to NY to look at apartments with his girlfriend and I had the pleasure of venturing to Brooklyn on Friday night to go out with them and her friends. There are many things that piss me off about Brooklyn, but I think the one that gets me the most is that in every single dive bar, there’s always some guy with a mustache that’s much worse than mine, wearing a carhartt beanie (even though he’s never worked a day in the fields in his life like I have), hogging the pool table, jonesing for a fight. More on this guy later. I didn’t know that when I arrived, I’d be directly walking into the line of fire. Remember the story from a since deleted blog last April about a girl I was supposed to go out with and then I like, kind of sort of blew her off but not really, so she sent me a meme and then rejected me? And we all collectively agreed I was in the right? Well I never followed up that story by saying we actually DID go out about four months after that and it just sucked. So I never spoke to her again after that UNTIL this past Friday when I showed up to the dinner and she was there. And where was the only available seat left? Right next to her. As I’m introducing myself to everyone, she let’s it be known to the entire table that we have indeed met, and proceeds to tell the entire crew how I blew her off, got the date, and then never spoke to her again. I had taken Boston College OFF of the “Do Not Date From” list, but they are directly BACK. For those following at home– here is where the current list stands:

Furman
Richmond
Ramapo
Cal Poly
Boston College
Michigan State
Trinity
Fordham

Bonus points for those of you who can name the people attributed to each school and what they did to get their school on the list.

The night goes on. I think the BC girl kind of smelled but I also could be bias, not sure– I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. She tells me she found my Hinge, it was stupid, basically saying all the things you’d say if you’re trying to get in a guy’s trousers. Now I know at this point you’re probably expecting me to tell you we went home together and danced the Torah, but on this particular night, there was no dreidel spinning. BC remains.

SATURDAY

Hungover on the couch at about noon and the doorbell rings. Must be Brian’s Uber Eats. Guy walks up the stairs, starts violently shaking the door, what the fuck is happening? It’s Matt, for the tenth weekend in a row, uninvited, unannounced, to spend his Saturday afternoon at The Phallus Palace of Charles St. Showing up without notice is one thing, staying for six hours as a means to escape your girlfriend… we might need to have a talk. Finally at about 10pm I make my way down to Parkside Lounge and find Smeede speaking with a very large man who appears as if he’s dressed to star alongside Johnny Depp in a sixth installation of The Pirates of the Caribbean. Later come to find out this gentleman does WWE reviews on Youtube. Got physically removed from the bathroom line by a woman who claimed to have been ahead of me in line and then a guy from the fucking rafters yells “Hey buddy, back of the line!” as he’s gesturing to get behind him. Never before had I been to Parkside Lounge, but if you’re looking to get hyper-aggressive with 60 year old people who cut bathroom lines, GO THERE.

UPCOMING

Fourth annual ski trip to Vermont this weekend with the Princeton on the Prairie graduates. I have an upcoming five hour car ride with Daan. I have no idea what we are possibly going to talk about for that long, but I figure I’ll just drown him out with Nickelback’s greatest hits for at least the first two hours. Highlights in year’s past:

Year 1 – Had a girl whisper in my ear “are you really gonna waste this wet ass pussy?” Never saw her again.

Year 2 – Told a girl not to buy a ski lesson because I’d teach her how to ski myself. She tore her ACL 25 minutes later.

Year 3 – Snowed 16 inches upon arrival and everybody’s cars slid down the driveway into snow embankments

Year 4 – TBD but it’s always something.

EARLY WINNERS

Eddie from Parkside – Potentially Smeede’s new boyfriend and WWE’s superstar commentator

Canadians – Specially anyone who played baseball at McGill University and became a lawyer very shortly afterwards

EARLY LOSERS

Men who DJ as a side hustle

Graduates of Boston College