If you’re reading this RIGHT NOW, it means you’re bored at work and needed something to take the edge off. Welcome back. Before I get into it, the world famous Ursinus (Princeton on the Prairie, for those keeping track at home) Track and Field Alumni Mile is back on the calendar for April 6th. Last year we had a little wager where you all guessed what my time would be and the winner received a handwritten letter and $10 dollars from yours truly. Slade had the winning guess on the dot at 6:59:00… but this year is much different. I’m blaming last year’s performance on a bad back and TWO bad knees. This year though… we’re going sub-6 baby. I probably should’ve never run again after I got out-kicked by a dude wearing Hyperdunks in a race, but here we are. Let me know your predictions and I’ll update the chart from last year.

For the past several months, my sister has been asking me to write a pilot for a TV show she can bring to Netflix producers. She just brought it up again the other day, and it got me thinking, what exactly would it look like if we put pen to paper and got the ball in motion? Remember when I gave you all the username and password to this site and said start writing? Here’s our chance.

Option 1 – A non-fiction version and recast of ‘Days of our Lives‘ where I play the lead role, and you guys are the supporting cast. Even though my face was made for the big screen, nobody would ever watch this, but here it goes:

Summary of Pilot

The show starts with me hitting snooze on my alarm clock for a good hour before I finally hobble out of my sweat filled bed from the room being 90 degrees and the AC being broken. I roll up the shades and get butt-naked so everyone across the street gets the morning show, free of charge. I get to the office to find Golz is not as his desk, much to the surprise of the TV viewers. The camera pans to me checking my email to find out that Golz has fallen down while carrying a toilet up the stairs and will be out of the office– for years. Then there’s sort of a montage of me in the bathroom, the cafeteria, eating a sandwich, Smeede bitching at me over text, you know the deal. Finally, the good stuff starts. I get home and contemplate asking out my neighbor for a good 25 minutes, but ultimately, don’t do it. I go to the gym and make awkward eye contact for way too long with girls on the treadmill. I get back home where I again, contemplate texting the neighbor, you know the one, but instead, just harass people on TikTok under the pseudonym ButtMonkey6969 for hours before checking what Pookie and Jett wore that day (and not for nothing, they are the next Ghislaine and Jeff Epstein. Trust me). Go to bed, rinse, repeat.

If you’re still reading this– that’s actually just my sad daily routine and not the show. HERE’S the real one.

Beans and Boys– The Show (Young Adult Genre).

Episode 1

Show Summary

Set in the tony mid-Atlantic town of Manhattan, NY, a tall scholar named Samuel from Richmond scrolls through dating apps daily trying to find ‘the one.’ He doesn’t even look at the girls, just immediately hearts every single one of them. Katherine, an ambitious graduate from Michigan sees her first-ever Hinge like come through and decides to give the guy a chance. Unsure if she’s actually interested, or just a height elitist, Samuel pursues the belle of the ball and takes her to The Whitney, where they muck it up with high society types and drink bubbly in front of Warhol’s greatest hits. Katherine falls deeply for Samuel and they decide to merge friend groups. Throughout the show’s inaugural season, the friends must learn how to navigate group incest, overcome shitting their pants at concerts, and of course, low libido.

In a perfect world, everyone writes an episode. Here are the episodes, and here are the writers:

Episode 1 – Pilot – Sam and Kate

Episode 2 – “The Bar” – Smeede

Episode 3 – My Emo Romance – Walter and Derrico

Episode 4 – Kardashian Loving Bimbo – Anna

Episode 5 – Low Libido – The Rocket

Episode 6 – The Diaper Dandy – Simmons

Episode 7 – Shorty LongRocks – Deo, Brian, and MK

Episode 8 – Dating a Yankee – Annalise

Episode 9 – Season Finale – Gopher and Brennan

Everyone get to work and let me know what you come up with.

Early Winners

Golz – In a twist of fate– he came to the office today

Early Losers

Smeede – Called me a sellout on Friday night for going to meet up with my neighbor.