I’m back bitches. I got an email today telling me this site will expire in a month if I don’t renew the URL, and it got me thinking… I should start writing again. And I take that a sign because last night… Last night is worth writing about.

I matched with this girl on Hinge who, based on her pictures looked like a 10 but as I’m sure many of you know by now, with me, there’s always a catch. We hit it off, exchanged numbers, and made plans to go out this week. Fast forward ONE DAY. I wake up to four text messages, two missed facetime calls, and four regular calls from this girl all at 3:30am. Green flag– she wants my cock. Red flag– who the fuck does this to someone you’ve never met. I obviously look past all of this because the number 1 rule of thumb is that you always put your dick in crazy people. I learned that from a young age.

She texted me yesterday about how her and her friend are going to a comedy show that night and wanted me to come and to bring a friend for her friend. First date, double date, hundred percent success rate as far as I’m concerned. Being that this is the year of the “yes,” Gopher agrees to come on the date and we are in full-go mode ready to sweep these girls off their feet.

Gopher came to the apartment and we pregamed to Sammy Adams and Justin Bieber while hyping each other up and talking about how the night was about to go so well. We headed to the Village Underground and held a place in line while we waited for our soon-to-be Southern Belle wives.

“I just saw two pretty hefty girls try and walk in. Imagine if that was them.”– Gopher

“That can’t possibly be them but it would be hilarious if it was.”– Rocket

If you’re reading this with a smile on your face, your prayers have been answered. It was them. I’m not a good enough writer to put into words the lifeless look on Gopher’s face when they waddled up to us with huge smiles. He’s a professional, so he played it off like pure joy, but I know deep down, he was hurting– as was I. Guys, we’ve been over this before, but I will never understand how someone can look so utterly different in five Hinge pictures than they do in real life. As Gopher says, “That should be illegal.” Our table at the comedy club was the four of us and another couple who clearly wanted nothing to do with us, but my Hinge girl wasn’t going to let that happen. No way. Not on her watch. AS SOON AS the comic started her routine, this girl did not stop talking. Didn’t take a breath. Yelling at the waitress, prodding the couple with questions, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, you name it, she was doing it.

At one point during the second comic’s routine, she tapped me on the shoulder and said “I just realized I know nothing about you!” No way! Me and Gopher are now pounding cocktails just trying to get through this thing and have something to laugh about later. Third comic comes on and my Hinge girl taps me on the shoulder AGAIN and says, “So what’s wrong with you? You’re a 29 year old guy with no girlfriend living with a roommate in the city.” I don’t know if that was like an open ended question or that was a statement… I mean to answer the question “what’s wrong with you” would take me all night to explain. She got up to go to the bathroom and her friend and Gopher looked at me and said “ya gotta tell her to shut the fuck up.” We were officially THOSE people. The ones who to go a comedy show and talk the entire time.

When the show ended, Gopher got out of there as fast as he could and called it a night. When he left, my Hinge lady looked at me and said “Sooo did your friend Ryan think my friend is hot?” “You know… I never really asked him. Maybe!!” We went to another bar for one drink and her rizz hit new levels.

“So I’m not gonna lie… I stalked you on the internet before this but I couldn’t find much.”

“Well, what did you find?”

“Your Ursinus College track profile.”

And there it is. My life had officially come full circle. All she had to do was minimal digging from that point on to find my last place finish at the 2014 cross country conference championship meet. I finished my drink, said my final goodbye, and took the walk back to the Phallus Palace of Charles St. Then…. the text message.

“I really thought you were gonna invite me back to your place tonight 🙁 ”

Being the gentleman that I am, I sent her my address, and we screwed the night away.

“The darkest hour is just before dawn.”- Mama Cass

EARLY WINNERS

Walter Abrams — Subject to numerous 24 hour bans on NBA2k for shit talking 14 year olds in their parents basement. Keep fighting the good fight.

ButtMonkey6969 and Stoop Cat – Every influencers worst nightmare.

EARLY LOSERS

Everyone inhabiting 30 Camine 2A.