Ladies and Gentlemen, after a long two month delay from Rocket Life Dot Site… WE ARE BACK. Hot Guy Summer got the best of me, time got away, and sometimes you get distracted by the sweet pheromones of a woman’s crack. Hot Guy Summer is gone and we’ve fully moved directly into cuffing season and that can only mean two things. One, the blog is back. Two… I’ll probably still be single by the time next Hot Guy Summer rolls around. Sam and Kate got married this weekend in Kate’s backyard (where I will also be getting married someday, with NightHawk as my officiant) and there was no shortage of entertainment. Here. We. Go.
FRIDAY
Note to fellow readers and wedding attenders: Do not wait until the week of the wedding to buy Amtrak tickets, or you will be throat-fucked on price hikes like I was. There’s only one vehicle that can get the job done. The Ass Clapper. SedgeHammer and the Sisters Britt met me at The Phallus Palace at 9am and we began our journey to America’s Playground: Bethesda, Maryland. I told them all that I’m like Max Verstappen when I get behind the wheel of a car, and when they were visibly uncomfortable going 110mph on the Jersey Turnpike, it dawned on me that they must not know who Max Verstappen is. At some point on the outskirts of Baltimore, a guy in a pickup truck next to us started motioning down. The simple explanation from Sedgey was that there are gangs in Baltimore that try to get you to roll your windows down and if they succeed, they shoot you. This seemed completely logical to me, so we kept the windows up. In reality, we had a flat tire. It wouldn’t be a true road trip without the Clapper running into some sort of issue. We’ve run out of gas, we’ve had engine seizures, and now we can add flat tires to the bucket list. After lunch and picking up Gopher from project housing in Silver Springs, we proceeded to the honeymoon suite in the AC Hotel to get ready for the festivities. My life is full of great decisions, and sharing a room with the Gopher ranks at the top of the list.
We got on the bus and quickly got acquainted with our new best friends Izzy, Jessie, Squirrel, and Grace. That’s right. Squirrel. Izzy, if you’re reading this, let’s get married.
I could go on for hours about the Friday reception but the real magic happens after it ends. Gopher and I get back into the hotel room and get ready for bed. Lights out, clothes off… “Dude we have to go to DC. Chloe is there and tonight’s the night. But first, you need to help me find my cock.” Gopher hops out of bed butt-ass-naked with his dick tucked between his legs MANGINA style, and it’s hard to deny a man like that. We go down to the lobby to get the Uber and now Gopher is doing forward rolls on the ground while getting a standing ovation from the concierge. As we’re waiting in line to get into the bar, we meet these girls from New York and start hitting it off. I got one of their numbers, stalked the hell out of her on the internet, and then texted her that I was impressed with her college golf scores. She responded “I knew I shouldn’t have put my last name in your phone,” and then I never heard from her again. The fucking nerve. I hope you double bogey every hole for the rest of your life until your dying days, bucko. I don’t think the Gopher said one word to Chloe all night, we left in anguish, and ordered way too many Chili Dogs to the room on our return. Gopher took one bite, got butt naked again, and got back in bed.
SATURDAY
The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Gopher’s crack facing my direction. Honestly not the worst thing I’ve woken up to but it definitely could’ve been better. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “Dude, it smells like a fucking zoo in here.” It could’ve been the chili dogs, it could’ve been the all night farting, but my God did it stink. Guys, we’ve finally made it to wedding day. We pregamed the wedding at World of Beer while listening to Kieran talk about how big his cock is and how it’s physically possible to reach the top of a vag if your D is long enough. This was only the beginning of the Kieran Show. We chose the speakers on the registry to give as a gift, but had to settle for the blender when the speakers were out of stock. Sorry Kate and Sam… those looked pretty bad ass. We got to Kate’s house where I was introduced to Senate Beer, God’s nectar. For me, drinking it was like losing my virginity all over again. It was amazing and the process lasted about 10 seconds. Sam’s hair looked amazing (as it typically does), Kate looked great, and NightHawk stole the show. During the vow reading, I looked at Kieran sitting next to me and he had a picture on his phone of Sam and Kate that said “RIP to a fallen soldier,” maybe the most on-brand Kieran thing I’ve ever seen.
I sat across from Abby Conway and her new husband Nate during dinner and let me tell you, this guy deserves a blog post all to his own. I almost forgot to mention that when I was waiting for the bathroom, he came up to me and said “Bro, you hitting the slopes without me?!” No dude, I’m not doing blow at backyard wedding. “Well let me know if an avalanche comes through here!” Now I’m at the table with just him. “So Rocket, what’s your biggest trauma in life currently?” “I don’t know man! What’s yours?” “Oh I was driving a car and got into an accident and the other driver died. Wasn’t my fault though.” Thank God he got that off his chest. Here’s another great excerpt from this guy:
“I went to the fourth best law school in Michigan.”
“That’s sick. How many law schools are in Michigan?”
“Just five!” A modern day Socrates, if you will. During a game of never have I ever, he goes with abortion and miscarriage. Some guys don’t have “rizz” but this guy is the poster child for RIZZ. I didn’t quite get serial killer vibes from him, but certainly taxidermy enthusiast vibes.
This is one thing that wasn’t supposed to be mentioned but we don’t hold anything back here. Walter, Bear, and I had a great idea of gambling during the wedding and giving all the winnings to Sam and Kate. We called it “The Wedding Can’t Fail Parlay.” We took Washington -20, UNC -7, and Notre Dame moneyline. Washington won by 27, UNC won by a million….. Notre Dame lost on the final play of the game. Samuel and Katherine, I’m sorry to say you were 1 second and 1 yard away from $2,300. Sorry we’re degenerates who also suck at gambling. We’ll get em next time.
SUNDAY
Woke up hungover, the room still smelled like shit with uneaten chili dogs on the table, and all of my passengers from day one didn’t have the balls to ride in the clapper again. A defeated man, I drove to the closest Waffle House and ate away the weekend’s sins. That was probably the greatest wedding I’ll ever be at, including my own (unless it’s to Anna McDonut in the same backyard).
EARLY WINNERS
Sam and Kate – The newlyweds, and our newest fallen soldier.
NightHawk – Bucknell lacrosse star who moonlights as a minister.
Simmons – Million dollar smile walking down the aisle.
SENATE BEER
EARLY LOSERS
Lauren Chappell – The college golfer who straight up ghosted me.
Izzy Jenkins – Welcome to RocketLife
Abby’s Husband Nate – Learn how to drive bro!