First and foremost, the homepage to this website looks ridiculous right now. I tried to change the slogan and design… and now there’s a finch flying around on a tree branch? Don’t know how that even happened but that’s NOT on brand for rocketlife.site. The slogan is being changed from “Nice Guys Finish Last” to “Think With Your Big Head and Not Your Little One.” Some people don’t know what this means, but a judge literally said this to Matt one time in court as a euphemism to “start thinking with your head instead of your dick.” It was SUCH a brutal burn that I’ve taken it with me and incorporated it into my everyday life. Also, this is first blog post back post-deactivation. Why was it deactivated, you might ask? Well, let’s play a little game. If you’re interested in a girl and you want her to be interested in you back, which of these blog posts would you most like her to read:
A). A blog about you shitting your pants
B). A blog about you getting supercharged all night long
C). A blog about you putting your ex’s panties on your head
D). A blog about you getting turnt and making out with random 21 year old girls at a bar
My initial answer was… none of them! However, my new answer is… all of them. I went out on a date on Thursday night… with a girl (I know, I’m the man). When the blog came up in conversation, I slightly panicked. I knew she hadn’t read all of the posts and also knew there were several deplorable things written on there that it could be detrimental to have them read by someone you’re trying to make a nice, normal impression on. Well guys, it simply does not matter. There’s an old adage that says ‘You can’t change who people are without destroying who they were.’ The blog is here to stay and it’s not going anywhere. In the words of the Gopher, “That’s showbiz, baby.” So without any further ado, in reverse order, let’s get poppin.’ *Side note*– I consider myself an elite competitor in the sport of mathematics, but for some reason I drew a massive brain fart trying to calculate the bill on this date. It was mental gymnastics for like 45 seconds trying to perform simple addition. How embarrassing.
This Morning
I hit snooze for 75 straight minutes on my alarm clock this morning but was finally woken up for good when I got a call from Ron.
“Are you awake??”
“Yes, I am now.”
“Ok. I have a flight in 30 minutes, but we got rid of Jen last night. Her last day is Friday. Tell Mike.”
I didn’t think this would actually happen, mainly because it’s more entertaining to talk about her than it is to not have her around. I mean, I won’t sugarcoat it. She does less work than a quadruple amputee trying to assemble Ikea furniture, but her excuses are all-time good. The amount of times I’ve gotten an email or text that says, “I’ll be in soon,” just to not see her for another 48 hours is astonishing, pathetic, and impressive, all in one. *At the time of this writing, Jen has not arrived in the office yet.*
Sunday
Yesterday was opening day for the summer basketball league I play in– The Beer Money Basketball League. My claim to fame is that not only am I out of shape, I’m also one of the worst players in the league. (Not as bad as Ray.. that fat bastard). That’s not to say I’m actually bad at basketball, the league has gotten too good for me to hold my own, so I’m officially retiring after this summer. Final stats yesterday: 1 rebound, 1 turnover, 80 straight seconds of dry heaving on the bench after running up the court two times.
It probably didn’t help that Brian and I got supercharged all night long and didn’t go to bed until 7am on Sunday morning. I got 90 minutes of sleep, didn’t eat anything, and then physically overexerted myself on the court trying to keep up with 19 year olds who were schooling my ass. So what does this all lead to? Vomit! I don’t know if it was from bad pizza, bad meat, overexertion, supercharging, you name it! I got back to the apartment after the game and violently puked like five times at 11pm. I could hear Brian from the other room, “Our lives are so awesome dude.” Yes, they certainly are. It’s not easy to impress yourself so often, but I find a way to make it happen.
Saturday
Got a text on Saturday morning from the Gopher that said, “My friend from home broke it off with her fiancee and moved to New York like three weeks ago so we’re going out with her tonight.” Say no more. Where do you take your friends to show them a good time? There’s only one real answer. The top floor of Three Sheets Saloon. After I ate my taco salad from Rite Aid and nearly shit my pants, we headed over. When Brian and I got up there, there was a beastly looking girl with our group and I assumed she was with us. First she went in with for the makeout with Brian, then grabbed my chin and tried to pull me in. I don’t like this. I realized she wasn’t actually with us when the bouncer came over to escort her drunk ass out. She then said, “Wait don’t kick me out, I’m with the birthday girl over there.” Bouncer brings her over to the birthday girl… “I’ve never seen her in my life.” How embarrassing. I know you’re typically not supposed to stare at people while they’re making out, but when The Gopher started making out with the ex-fiancee… I didn’t look away. It was like watching The Friends finale for the first time. Then… he grabbed her butt… with.both.hands. He did the magic mike dance routine on the floor and then disappeared into relative obscurity until Sunday morning. A performance for the ages, if I do say so myself.
Friday
Got a text Friday night from the Gopher that said, “My old roommate from Seattle is in town and we’re going out with her tonight.” Say no more. We went to Donnybrook where I got negged, but I wouldn’t take the bait. For those of you unfamiliar with negging, it’s the art of insulting someone to try and get with them. I’m not tooting my own horn here. She insulted my wardrobe and uhhh yeah that was the first tell tale sign, she wanted me. And you know what, she couldn’t have me. In the most perfectly queued up moment of all time, I was talking to the Gopher’s old roommates friend and I said, “I think it’s hilarious she told her parents that he’s gay so they’d feel more comfortable with her moving in with him.” At that exact moment, I looked over and the Gopher had his drink held high in the air as he was pop, locking, and dropping it harder than anyone I have ever seen. We eventually left and I don’t exactly remember where we were, but we came upon this 10 year old kid at 1am who was selling candy and we got straight up fleeced. First Gopher started negotiating with this kid. “Three for $5.” “No 3 for $5 makes no sense, two for $10.” And on, and on. But I would have to say the glowing moment was when we complimented this kids crocs and he kicked Brian in the balls multiple times to which Brian responded, “Wow that kid just kicked the tip of my dick.”
Upcoming
I don’t want to brag here– not on my own blog, but sometimes, I need to. I order an off-menu item most days from the office cafeteria. It’s a hero with chicken fingers, bacon, buffalo sauce, and blue cheese. It’s all part of my Ironman Diet. Well, last week, the chef told me that they wanted to officially add it to the menu and they wanted me to pick the name. What’d we go with? The Rocket.
Early Winners
Sydney Ferrigan, CFA – The ultimate conversationalist. Yes, I am simping.
Walter “The Assaulter” Abrams – Probably the only person in the history of this list who can wind up on the winner’s list AND the loser’s list for doing the exact same thing. He exhibits insane behavior, like walking up to a girl at his college reunion to call her out for blowing me off months ago. People like this don’t come around too often but when they do, you must study them.
Early Losers
Cooney – Walked out of Rite Aid on Saturday with my Taco Salad and ran into Cooney. “Where are you headed?” “Due West!” Her answer did NOT come with an invitation to Due West and therefore… she returns to the list AGAIN.
8 responses to “We’ll Do It Live”
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